Where You Invest Your Love, You Invest Your Life

Yes, thank you Mumford and Sons for the title of this post. While several of you were at one of their last concerts this week singing along to these words, waving phones using the flashlight app under the neon lights, feeling every beat resonate within your very being, and documenting every moment on social media, I simply...was bitter toward all of you. Yes, I have confessed and repented of my slight bit of jealousy I have experienced for all of you this week. I promise I'll get to the real reason behind the title of this post...

Looking back over journalled prayers before this season and even over the past few weeks, I have seen a pattern. A pattern of feelings of unworthiness and acknowledgement of my unbelief, yet so many points where my heavenly Father has still chosen to show me the work of His hands in and around me. Lives changed and blessings beyond measure...over and over. So, for someone who likes to think she must work for her salvation (or anything else she feels she deserves), this puts my mind in a cataclysmic battle of self versus God. The more blessing that came, the more I wanted to run back into my little comfortable cave of independence--or really "independence". I knew that my thoughts, motives, and actions were by no means measuring up to the fruit produced in and around my life. I wasn't good enough for all of this to happen.

I was faced with a decision: to continue in my comfortable self-destructive mindset (because that's healthy), or to reach for something that was unknown but had a promise to be greater. The question I was too afraid to verbalize, yet played over and over in my mind was, "I know that He loves me despite my mistakes, but does He really want to use me when He knows the ugliness of my heart?" And that's when I took hold of another facet of the gospel. Our Father is not merely interested in saving us for the gift of eternal life with Him. Don't get me wrong here, that is the BEST gift we could ever be given, but He still has a purpose for us on this earth. And that purpose is not going to be carried out only if we can clean ourselves up and never make mistakes. That is what is absolutely flooring about His love for us! Unlike human love that can't help but be conditional and merits based on accomplishment, our Father is standing there at the finish line AND with a trophy for us, even if we are the last ones to finish...some of us (finger pointing right at me) feel as if they don't even cross that line most days. 

This does not make sense to those of us who are often driven by our desire to constantly achieve, specifically in our work. Taking this gospel truth and placing it in the context of what we produce, namely in our place of work, any lack of belief in this produces pride, exhaustion, and even withdrawal when things actually go well without any investment on our part. That has been clearly shown to me here. Recognizing that this 'achiever' personality has my name written all over it, I confess that I have struggled to grab hold of what the Lord has had for me. I went from wanting to prove God wrong (I can taste the pride when I say that), to being that stubborn child that would rather sit in a corner than play by someone else's rules, to finally considering surrender. "Father, help me to trust and to believe," became my prayer because, of course, I could not do anything to bring my heart to this understanding on my own. No amount of energy, strength, or dedication in this world could produce this. He had to act.

"Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, 'Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,' even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you." Psalm 139:7-12

This brought me to the question, "What do I really love?" I've heard it said, that one can tell what someone cares about based on where they spend their thoughts, time, and money. What do I really spend my thoughts on? What do I spend my time on? My money? I did not like the answers. They all pointed back to a core of self. And then the words...where you invest your love, you invest your life. Or as scripture puts it in Matthew 6:21, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." This dictates the course of our lives. What do I want to invest my life in? Every single second of the day? We were made to meet and know our Maker; to know His heart for all of us, as His children. He loves us so much and wants to use us to reach the rest of those He longs to adopt as sons and daughters--despite our sinful, messed up selves. The Creator of the universe wants to hold my hand and lead me through this life until I meet Him face to face one day. Thinking on that today.

Awake my soul. Jesus is worth it.

First Month Tidbits

Partnership Updates:
Currently have 85% toward my goal
Approximately $2,879 total left ($240/month)

Translation: if 12 people gave $20/month, I would be at 100%!  

 Life Updates:

Women’s development program, or “WDP” as we like to call it, is blowing me away. This program is another facet of Austin Stone Institute, but also open to the church body as a whole. Designed to engage women to know God more intimately, love the gospel, and live missionallly, WDP is going to stretch us all until it hurts, and then some. Saturday was the first retreat for women’s and men’s development, where Jeff Vanderstelt, of Soma ministries in Washington, spoke on gospel fluency. Breaking down the truths of the gospel, he stirred my heart to embrace with fresh eyes the gospel that has saved, is saving, and will save our souls for His glory. The fact that there is nothing I can ever do to earn His love, but yet He still loved us enough to die so that we may know Him has brought me to tears this week. I pray that I will never grow numb to this story, that every time I share it I would feel that lump in my throat for how much He cares for me. 

Wednesday is the day that we have class for WDP. Every Wednesday night, men's, women's, and worship development programs meet together to sit under church leaders who not only open our eyes to concepts of theology, but are also careful to draw these concepts back to the gospel. Every week I feel like the walls around my idea of who God is, His Word, and what He has done are not just expanded, but completely bulldozed back to the foundation. This season is filled with a lot of questions, hard answers, an entirely new self awareness, but I am starting to see seeds of growth. Praise Him.

This is intern alley, where I spend most of my days. I love the open concept. Other than breaks with games of 'trashcan basketball', I deeply enjoy the time working alongside of people from all different areas of the church. Creating an environment where experiences and ideas flow freely, we learn a ton from each other. It's all about those little moments.

There are big things happening in the world of Connections! Right now our church is in the middle of a series titled 'This Matters', in which the whole church body is being taught about the importance of living in authentic biblical community. For so long, we have lived in an individualistic society, in which individuals and families keep to themselves and adhere to the "self-made man" mentality. This is how we got ourselves in trouble. Shallow relationships, depression, and a whole world of other issues that can be listed here are products of this. The need for the type of community God intends for us has played a huge role in my story, which is why it sets me on fire to put my time and energy into helping others find this as well. I believe this is where real change begins; in the micro, not the macro. The Lord's heartbeat for this is clear in how He burdens the authors of scripture: Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, 1 Thessalonians 5:14, Ephesians 4:15-16, Hebrews 10:24-25, and Acts 2:42-47 are just a few of the places we can see the importance depicted. After just three weeks of introducing missional communities, we have 61% of our church body connected into groups. PRAISE HIM.

Of course I have to have a post about the good 'ol Ags. Last weekend I made the pilgrimage back to College Station to watch the Alabama game. Even though the scoreboard did not technically say that we won, I left the weekend feeling refreshed by friendships that have sharpened and constantly encouraged me these past four years. Gig 'em!

I love this city and I love capturing moments in pictures. So just a few views of a little place called Mozart's where I like to study...










This month has been a whirlwind of emotion and learning. Every day brings about new challenges and has caused a drastic shift in my thinking. You'll be updated more soon on some of my processing and growth! Please be in prayer for support and how you can potentially make a difference. If you have any questions, as always, I'd love to talk to you. If I have learned anything from the support raising process, it's that often it's the little bit of cash every month that we will not miss makes a huge difference. Support raising will never be the same. I have seen Him do incredible things in my life and others' lives through this! If this has been on your mind at all, I hope that you will be prayerful over that number and take a step in faith to walk in obedience to His call to be a part of His ministry. You really are a partner with me. The Lord was so faithful to get me to my needed goal to start work, but my goal of 100% needs to be met by the end of this month. I sincerely ask for your prayers for my partners' hearts. If you are already supporting me financially or in prayer, I thank you for giving of yourself and ask for continued prayers. Hopefully these updates will provide you with specific areas to be prayerful over!

For Him alone,

Callie