Looking back over journalled prayers before this season and even over the past few weeks, I have seen a pattern. A pattern of feelings of unworthiness and acknowledgement of my unbelief, yet so many points where my heavenly Father has still chosen to show me the work of His hands in and around me. Lives changed and blessings beyond measure...over and over. So, for someone who likes to think she must work for her salvation (or anything else she feels she deserves), this puts my mind in a cataclysmic battle of self versus God. The more blessing that came, the more I wanted to run back into my little comfortable cave of independence--or really "independence". I knew that my thoughts, motives, and actions were by no means measuring up to the fruit produced in and around my life. I wasn't good enough for all of this to happen.
I was faced with a decision: to continue in my comfortable self-destructive mindset (because that's healthy), or to reach for something that was unknown but had a promise to be greater. The question I was too afraid to verbalize, yet played over and over in my mind was, "I know that He loves me despite my mistakes, but does He really want to use me when He knows the ugliness of my heart?" And that's when I took hold of another facet of the gospel. Our Father is not merely interested in saving us for the gift of eternal life with Him. Don't get me wrong here, that is the BEST gift we could ever be given, but He still has a purpose for us on this earth. And that purpose is not going to be carried out only if we can clean ourselves up and never make mistakes. That is what is absolutely flooring about His love for us! Unlike human love that can't help but be conditional and merits based on accomplishment, our Father is standing there at the finish line AND with a trophy for us, even if we are the last ones to finish...some of us (finger pointing right at me) feel as if they don't even cross that line most days.
This does not make sense to those of us who are often driven by our desire to constantly achieve, specifically in our work. Taking this gospel truth and placing it in the context of what we produce, namely in our place of work, any lack of belief in this produces pride, exhaustion, and even withdrawal when things actually go well without any investment on our part. That has been clearly shown to me here. Recognizing that this 'achiever' personality has my name written all over it, I confess that I have struggled to grab hold of what the Lord has had for me. I went from wanting to prove God wrong (I can taste the pride when I say that), to being that stubborn child that would rather sit in a corner than play by someone else's rules, to finally considering surrender. "Father, help me to trust and to believe," became my prayer because, of course, I could not do anything to bring my heart to this understanding on my own. No amount of energy, strength, or dedication in this world could produce this. He had to act.
"Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, 'Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,' even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you." Psalm 139:7-12
This brought me to the question, "What do I really love?" I've heard it said, that one can tell what someone cares about based on where they spend their thoughts, time, and money. What do I really spend my thoughts on? What do I spend my time on? My money? I did not like the answers. They all pointed back to a core of self. And then the words...where you invest your love, you invest your life. Or as scripture puts it in Matthew 6:21, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." This dictates the course of our lives. What do I want to invest my life in? Every single second of the day? We were made to meet and know our Maker; to know His heart for all of us, as His children. He loves us so much and wants to use us to reach the rest of those He longs to adopt as sons and daughters--despite our sinful, messed up selves. The Creator of the universe wants to hold my hand and lead me through this life until I meet Him face to face one day. Thinking on that today.
Awake my soul. Jesus is worth it.
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