Stop #3: Madrid
As if the first trip was not enough, I was actually crazy enough to land in Austin and turn around 36 hours later and get on a plane for Europe. I know what you're thinking. Don't worry, I was thinking it too ("And it's official. She's crazy"). Yep. But this trip was the last component to the Women's Development Program at the Austin Stone, and I was going to be obedient (on a scale of 0 to 10 of excitement, I was about at a 2. Hence "obedient") to fulfill my time here. Going into the trip, I had heard that it would be one of the most difficult things I had ever done, but my prideful little heart still questioned and pushed the limits.
And then we landed in Madrid.
My heart earnestly longed for Portland/Seattle and the comforts there. I did not speak the language, much less did I have the energy to be bold in proclaiming the gospel to the Muslim people there. Days filled with an outpouring of prayer, intense training, and engaging with people all over the city only made my soul feel weaker and more helpless. There is nothing like physical and spiritual discomfort to dismantle our prideful, self-sustaining armor.
But God meets us in those places--the lowest and most desperate.
I felt as if I were blind, walking in darkness, yet having to trust that He was near (Psalm 145:17-19). That was all I knew to do. He had taught my heart well in this past season of intense wrestling (Ps. 51:8). Then slowly God revealed Himself in mighty ways...
Not some wimpy, comfortable version of Himself, but MIGHTY. The God of the universe. The all powerful, all-knowing Lord over every tribe, tongue, and nation. He used my tears to bring humility, so that He could show His power even more fully. He used my lack of eloquent words to step in with His Word that speaks to the very heart of man (Heb. 4:12). He used my weakness to bring Him even more glory (2 Cor. 12:9). He taught us that, at the end of the day, our will submits to His. No matter how good the motivation or deed. Even when my heart was ugly and counted the days until I could sleep in my bed in Austin and hug those I care deeply for, He proved to be even more faithful to impress on my heart the truth that Jesus is better. (Note: This was not some warm fuzzy felt emotion all the time, but a felt and seen tuning of my heart. It was not comfortable by any means.)
I was forced to reconcile in my own mind (in this new way) at what value did I actually hold Jesus to in my life.
Is He worth giving of my finances in ways that may cause me to sacrifice physical pleasures I enjoy (and somehow assume entitlement to)?
Is He worth moving to a different city for?
Is He worth giving up my beloved community (who know me, and are easy to communicate with) for?
But these questions aside, the ultimate question I had to answer was this: is this life (80-ish years on this earth I may get) everything I have to live (give time, resources, energy) for, or is this gospel (Esphesians 2:1-10) true, meaning am I called to live for something beyond this time here on earth? I have sincerely believed this for some time now, but beginning to actually "live" it in this place puts legs to that kind of faith.
In the presence of those who had seen and known the consequences of choosing Him over their very lives first-hand, I knew I couldn't sit on my hands and stare up at the ceiling away from confrontation any longer. Once that last question is answered, every other issue and decision falls into place, on one side or the other. Life either becomes the greatest or smallest thing of value to us. There is no middle ground.
Make my heart believe, Jesus. Because I know there are plenty of days it does not.
I am not my own, but bought (1 Cor. 6:19-20).
I am Yours.
Last but not least, I want to thank all of you who gave of yourselves in prayer and your finances in this time. The Lord truly sustained us and answered your prayers for the gospel to go out and for lives to be changed. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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